Vol. 1 Chapter 20: Yumi Asakawaâs reason. â Part 1
Yuu and I have a deep, deep bond. When I say bond, I donât mean your usual friendship. I mean love.
Weâve been together ever since I can remember. Our parents were close, so whenever mine went overseas for work, theyâd usually leave me at Yuuâs house. I donât blame them for always leaving me behind, and I admire that they can use their skills in other countries. Actually, theyâre the very reason I wanted to become a model; it isnât that kind of story.
In any case, Yuu and I spent our entire lives together and we were almost like siblings. However, our relationship changed drastically when we were about to graduate from junior highâHis parents had died in an accident.
I hate thinking about that period in time, but as if Iâd lost my own parents, their parting left a gaping hole in my heart. More than me, Yuuâs heartbreak ran deep. Even though he put on a strong front, he couldnât hide the sadness in his eyes.
As days went by, he rapidly matured. By the time we reached high school, I could no longer see that chasm in his eyes. Seeing him go about his life as if nothing bad happened, despite him going through the lowest lows, scared me. I was afraid he mightâve been somewhere too out of reach for me, and it was then I understood this growing love inside my own heart.
From there, things were lightning fast. Maybe it was because of how I felt, or maybe due to my own impatience, but I made aggressive advances. Without a proper confession from either of us, we started dating just when the cherry blossoms started to bloom. To be honest, I really wanted to confess my feelings properly, but due to an adolescent embarrassment, we let the flow take us.
At the same time, I passed the judging for a modeling gig I had applied for, and I was able to become the model Iâve always wanted to be. A sense of almightiness overtook me after everything I did went well. Together with this accomplishment, I shared mutual feelings with the guy I loved.
The best time of my life mightâve been then. However, the happiness I so longed for didnât last as it shouldâve.
My work as a model wasnât just going well, it was doing amazing. I appeared in magazines and online shows, and I made bigger strides than all other girls at my level. Being looked at with admiration by other girls was an indescribable feeling.
Furthermore, whenever I proudly told Yuu about my success, he smiled as if he was the one achieving all of it. However, for some odd reason, I felt something odd. It was as if his heart wasnât there, reminding me of what happened that fateful day. Whenever Iâd think about it, unease would begin to consume me from the inside out: he was always kind and never got angry with me no matter what I did. I began wondering if he really liked me, after all, the fact we never said the words burdened a heavy weight on me.
He always refused to show his true feelings to anyone. Weâve been together all this time, so why are you hiding things from me? Iâm your girlfriend!
Back then, I felt murky anxiety well up in the depths of my bowels, anger along with it. In hindsight, it was just me.
Manipulated by my own fears and anxieties, I came up with âthe best way.â I wanted to confirm whether his feelings for me were genuine or not by breaking up. Doing so, he would surely reveal his true feelings and I could reaffirm that we were, indeed, lovers. Back then, I believed it to be a good strategy.
After school on a cold winter day, as the rain stung my skin, I called him. He showed up without knowing anything, wordlessly protecting me under his umbrella, which Iâd forgotten. Even this clear display of kindness was uncertain for me. Was it love or just friendship? To be completely sure of everything, I opened my mouth as he stared curiously.
âSorry, Iâve decided to date an actor I was on a photoshoot with. Heâs funny and I feel comfy with him, unlike with you. So this is goodbye.â
Of course, this was a lie. I mean, the fact an actor tried to woo me was true, but I wasnâtâand am notâinterested in any boy other than Yuu. However, since Iâd actually been courted by that guy, I was able to fabricate a lie with a tinge of truth. That tinge couldnât be made up, and in that regard, I had to thank that bothersome actor.
The annoyance I went through was worth it, and Yuu believed in the story, visibly shocked. His eyes, usually hidden behind his long bangs, peeked through them with agitation.
Thatâs right, I wanted to see that expression. I didnât want to only know his kindness, I wanted to see his other emotions. Back then, I was sure he would tell me not to break up with him, or that heâd chalk it up to a joke, saying âDonât be silly.â Either way, what showed on his face were, undeniably, his true feelings. After that, I could rest assured what we felt was mutual, and we could blissfully and wholly be together for years to come.
However, soon the pain and disbelief dissipated from his face, leaving only a calmness at its surface as if heâd realized something.
âI understand. Thank you for everythingâŚâ
âHuhâŚ? Youâre okay with that, Yuu? Donât you ever think of getting angry?â
I couldnât help but ask him. Neither angry or deterred, he was just willing to accept our breaking up.
âWhy?
I never got the answer to that question, no matter how much thought I put into it. Maybe he shoved his anger aside out of concern for me, and he suppressed his feelings so I wouldnât be worried. Then so, does he have any other emotion other than kindness? I had o confirm at least that.
âI wasnât charming enough, thatâs all. Thereâs nothing to be mad about. Donât worry, I wonât tell anyone about this⌠Well, I wish you all the best.â
He believed the lie and didnât accuse me. We shouldâve been together from now âtill always, but I didnât know a single millimeter of his heart. I didnât mean for us to break up, but our relationship reached the point of no return.
Why?
How does he see the expression on my face? With my questions still unanswered, he gave me one last forlorn smile, handed me his umbrella, and trudged alone under the piercing rain.